About Frankie Boyle

Frankie Boyle is a Scottish comedian and former newspaper columnist, mainly know for his dark and usually offensive humour.
He is a regular panelist on hit TV show Mock the Week, and is referred to by host Dara O Briain as the "dark heart of Mock the Week".
In July 2009, he quit his role as a columnist for a Scottish newspaper as they refused to print his controversial article on Michael Jackson.

Frankie Boyle Quotes

Some of Frankie's most popular jokes.
Warning: Some language and subjects may cause offense.
Some of the jokes have themes, from a round on Mock the Week called "Scenes we'd like to see".

Prime Minister, could you look interested whilst I bring up some boring shit about my constituency?

So to summarize: there's no evidence, but he does look a bit rapey.

And I put it to you, m'lud, that THAT child is sexy!

An object is travelling at 700mph, encounters resistance and slows down to zero. For how many months will Richard Hammond have to wear nappies?

There is a vegetarian option, you can fuck off.

Penguin, with its head trapped in a beer can: tragic, and yet somehow hilarious.

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

Dear bitch,
I have trouble making friends. What are you going to do about it?

My wife says that I'm a compulsive liar. I think she's jealous that my reggae duet with Rio Ferdinand has reached number one.

Dear Points of View
Watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy made me think that if I made some gay friends, they would give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me.

And on the eighth day, God created a magic talking leopard, and forgot all about us.

And that is how we can prove that aluminium is gay.

I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.

When I said I was a positive person, I meant HIV.

Whose status changes every day? I wake up a miserable bastard and I go to bed as a miserable bastard. I'm not constantly changing from giggly to cautious.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed and it really made me think. It made me think... is there nothing on the Internet that I won't masturbate to?

(As Scientist 1) Shall we have a go at curing cancer?
(As Scientist 2) No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastiles it takes to choke a kestral.

Shannon Matthews... Have you seen her family? The two weeks she spent in a drawer under a bed was probably the happiest time of her life!

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy?

Have you seen Amy Winehouse lately? She looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses!

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called "spastic gay talk".

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

Lots of stuff's bad for the environment. And 4x4's are just too big. Often when am out dogging I have to stand on someone's shoulders just to get my balls on the windshield.

I lost my virginity to my mum's best friend... my dad. It was the only time he said he loved me.

Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.